What is faith? Is it the ability to ask for something and then let it go? Is it the emotion that all things will work out? Is it blind devotion in something other than oneself?
I was raised in a household of "just do as I tell you and do not question". This is not an environment of learning. It is an environment of passivity.
How does one learn or accomplish a sense of self if one is never allowed to question the why and how of an experience? It is sad but so many children were brought up that way.
We were trained to be slaves to the demands of our parents, government, and religions. School was no better, the government decided what we needed to learn and how we needed to learn it. In most households, there was no room for individual thought. The father and religion ran the house and the wife and children followed his rules.
We did, however, have the freedom of play. Our mother pushed us out the door after breakfast, we came in for lunch, went back outside, came in for supper, and then bed. There was no T.V. to distract us, no iPod, computers. Most homes did not even have a phone and if you did it was a shared line.
My Grandmother Lil was a switchboard operator and I remember stopping in to visit her and was fascinated by how the lights lite up watching as she would plug in the cable lines to connect the two individual speakers. It was magic to me and it was beyond my comprehension.
I was an introspective child spending most of my childhood in my imagination. I did not know how to express myself to others. Growing up in a home where I did not have conversations with my parents, and very few with my older siblings. When my younger brother came along, I was pretty much self-sufficient in entertaining myself.
I did not enjoy the structured school day, as we had no structure for learning in my home life. I got up ate breakfast and spent time with my dolls and toys in the furnace room, during winter, or outside during summer. My life was simple, quiet and I learned to be invisible around adults.
I never adjusted to the school environment, the dynamics of being with other children, being a friend one day and an enemy the next was so confusing to me that I stopped trying to make friends. I am still confused as to how people can be friends one day and then the next day they are not. How does one's opinion of a person dramatically change overnight?
I AM who I AM, I accept myself with all my flaws, my strengths, knowledge, wisdom, and I love learning new things, becoming more in all aspects of my physical and spiritual environment.
I am not saying I stayed in my head and became a recluse. I started working at the age of 16. I had numerous jobs over the years, all in different environments, with different mental and physical demands creating a well rounded and educated individual. I went to college, and business school, took numerous other courses to improve my skills. In my thirties, I started on my Spiritual Quest which took me down many roads of self-reflection.
All of these experiences created who I am today.
Did I become who I am through blind faith? No. I became who I am by questioning everything and everyone. What value did each of these experiences bring into my life? What was the purpose of that relationship or job? How did traveling with a Carnival for two summers change my perception of myself?
When I look back and see who I was as a child and who I am as an adult, I am truly in awe of the path my Soul took me on. I have learned to love myself unconditionally, appreciate who I AM and what it took to get me here.
To be able to look back at one's life with all the drama, losses, and wins and respect the fortitude it took to take one step at a time into the unknown, now that is what FAITH is. It is the inner knowing that no matter what happens in the moment things will work out.
I remember just living my life from day to day, not worried about money, or status in a job or career, not worried about the relationship I was in or even thinking about a future with that person. My life for many years was just being in that moment because I had no plans, no agenda, no dreams to fulfill because that is what I had learned as a child. Not to want, not to hope, not do dream.
There was freedom in this living from moment to moment but it was also a hollow life. In my thirties, I was exposed to new ways of thinking, new spiritual ideas, meditation, and the ability to connect with one's Higher Self. It was the beginning of a journey that brought me to a place of allowing myself to dream, to have hope, to want things for myself, to discover self-love.
There is sadness in these memories as well. The loss of time with people because I felt unworthy of their love, the loss of career dreams because I believed others when they said I was not smart enough, the loss of self-confidence, self-esteem, self-awareness, because I was not given the opportunity to explore my own creativity as a child.
And yet there was always this inner knowledge deep within myself that if I just kept putting one foot in front of the other things would work out. Would I want to go back and change things? Sometimes, but the reality is that I am who I am today because of my Soul path. I made a choice when I incarnated to the planet earth, to experience my life in just this manner.
Would I be filled with gratitude and unconditional love for myself and others if I had chosen a lesser path? Maybe, but free will is an amazing gift and the ability to struggle and still have faith that things will eventually make sense is very powerful magic.
Finding a spiritual connection with my Soul, God and the Angels took me a long time if you look at it in years, but if you look at it as a journey of self-love it was worth every second. You never have to do this journey alone, I was guided to my teachers, the books, the courses, all because I learned how to ask for help.
I am here for you. Sending you Light & Love, Robynn Spirit Whisperer