The words I forgive you and I am sorry are easy to say, but the concept of truly being able to let the initial incident go is a whole lot more complicated than we think.
Over the years I have been hurt and as per usual I would go into my head and see the incident the way I wish it had happened with me standing up for myself right a way and calling the person out on their behaviour. Depending on how deeply hurt I was this could be a scenario I would replay for days, weeks, or even years in my head trying to come out with my dignity.
I am not saying that it would be an every day occurrence but things would trigger this memory, be it repeat behaviour, a similar situation, or even a movie or song could make me replay this scenario in my head.
"How many times have you been in a fight with a partner and they bring up something you had done years ago to them? Lots I bet."
I am Sorry can be easy to say because first of all it stops the discussion. It lets you off the hook for a little while longer while you decide if you truly are sorry or you try to think of another way to get your point across.
I forgive you is not as easy but it is simpler than going over the same old story getting both of you no where. In essence it is a "lets agree to disagree" statement.
What goes into creating an emotion that reflects a truly heartfelt 'I am sorry or I forgive you'?
It comes down to putting yourself in the others persons place, you come at the incident from a neutral emotional space.
Easier said then done, you are thinking.
I agree, it took me a long time to step out of the conflict and just open my heart up to listening, witnessing the persons body language, recognizing the pain in their eyes, and truly hearing what they were saying as if I was not actually being directly affected by this situation.
One of the first tools I discovered was to listen and not allow my mind to think of a response, but to just truly hear and see the whole human being in front of me and try to feel what they were feeling.
The second tool was to decide if I needed to respond with words at all. Sometimes a hug is all that is needed for minor disagreements.
Someone who feels slighted by you will be angry and a hug is not going to be welcomed. But looking into their eyes and acknowledging their anger and hurt without any body language of your own can quickly diffuse the situation.
When you see the other persons body start to relax you can then decide if you want to respond or just wait a bit longer to see if they need you to respond. Sometimes all the person wants is to be heard.
When we react emotionally in any negative situation it is because we feel like we are not in control. It makes us feel powerless and weak and we see that reflected back to us in that other persons eyes, and their body language.
I started practising being present in phone conversations using non-judgmental listening by asking my daughters if they wanted my advice or did they just want to vent their emotions.
I would listen and form no attachment to the outcome of the conversation.
I knew my role was to be a shoulder to cry on and to tell them I loved them respecting their emotions in that moment. I validated their feelings and that is all they really needed from me.
My daughters will now start the conversation with I need your advice mom and if that is not said then I know my role is just to listen.
Bringing this skill into a one on one conversation in person is not as easy. It takes a whole lot more practice to learn to keep your body language neutral and not let your emotions smolder in your eyes. Having sun glasses on really helps.
Admittedly learning how to control your reaction to someone who is lashing out at you diffuses the situation quite quickly, but trying to use these skills for yourself when you are trying to express your own hurt feelings takes a whole lot more practice.
I have learned to put off conversations if I am exhausted, frustrated, or my feelings are hurt. This gives me the opportunity to analyze what was said and how I want to respond and sometimes I realize it is just not worth a response of any kind.
Keeping my body language neutral and the anger out of my eyes is a feat that makes me feel like my own personal hero when I accomplish it. I have killer eyes that make you know in no uncertain terms you are about to die if you say one more word.
The evil eye is a skill moms learn when their toddlers are getting into everything and they are tired of yelling at them. We then turn it on our spouses etc. etc. etc.
My evil eye was quite effective on rude cashiers and sales people, they would leave and find a replacement in an awful big hurry. Now I just take a deep breath, relax my body and tell myself it is not worth the aggravation.
If I have the energy I will just smile and say "thank you" in a kind voice. I love the look they give me if they are actually listening. It is usually a look of surprise or gratitude.
One of the first rules of my day is to meditate and bring in peaceful energy and ground my body to the earth. (check out my you tube channel for guided meditations). I call in the Angels for guidance and also say a prayer to God/Universal Source. Gratitude is a big part of this and I try to remember to write down five things I am grateful for in a journal.
Being an Empathic soul, I know when the energy is crazy outside my home, so I have learned to ask for strong Gold protection energy from Archangel Micheal and to wear crystal jewellery that repels negative energy.
I always have a tiger eye in my purse and car and I now have a small metal statue of Ganesh in my purse as well. Ganesh is the remover of obstacles, who comes in very handy during rush hour traffic or when I am running late.
I have also learned to put off my decision to go out and about if I can - I usually get the hint when nothing is going right to allow me to leave the house in a timely manner.
By paying attention to how your body feels, and how you are feeling emotionally, you can avoid a lot of conflict.
To start your day off in a positive manner start the night before.
Go to bed with happy positive thoughts in your head, go through a mental gratitude list, send love to your family from your heart chakra. In the morning wake up and do a meditation. It can be 5 minutes or 30 minutes. Get grounded, send out love, and picture your day running smoothly. You will be amazed how easy it is to create a positive day by first visualising one.
Wishing all of you an amazing day, and thank you for reading my Blog.
Robynn Sheridan - Spirit Whisperer - Theta Healing Practitioner - Akashic Realignment Practitioner - Reiki Master - Intuitive Reader & Healer.