It is not about reading a few books and discovering the Magic Formula


I like many others have been on a Spiritual Journey since our mid thirties or forties. Some even start later in life. We find our self in patterns that continue to bring the same drama into our lives. We find that when we get married our differences are so great that they create drama and power struggles.


We all come into relationships with patterns, belief systems, and even some trauma even if we did not recognize the trauma when it happened. As an individual our childhood makes us self aware and filled with self love, or it creates all of the negative patterns, and beliefs we have about ourselves.


When I was in my mid thirties, I was in my fourth marriage and realized that the man I had fallen in love with was not the man I married. He had said all the right things, done all the right things, he made me feel sexy, loved, appreciated, respected and I was the center of his world while we were dating and living together.


The moment he said "I Do" he started to change. Moody, the silent treatment, tried to tell me what I could do with my money, stopped all sex even on the honeymoon. He complained about everything, he would be on the phone to his mother telling her how miserable he was.


After six weeks of this I gave him an ultimatum either go back to being the man I fell in love with or we get an annulment. Well he tried, but he would always go back to sulking. He finally learned a new manipulative behavior. If he wanted something or to go somewhere he would start romancing me again and when he had me lulled into that content feeling he would then get me to agree to what he wanted.


This would always put us right back into financial debt and I would have to start digging us out again. I eventually got tired of it. I quit my job, and starting taking healing and spiritual courses. I started reading the books on WICCA, Spirituality, starting working with Tarot cards, meditation. Just a side note when I got married I was 125lb, I am 5 foot 2 in height. By 2001 I was 200lbs. The emotional toll of all of the manipulation in my marriage was being stored in my belly.



The spiritual healing world was new to me and I dove in and starting reading everything I could. I was given a book called "MAP, The White Brotherhood." Now I would love to say that I was able to completely change my world but the truth is we still have to live our life. We still interact with the world, our children, spouses, co-workers, etc. So our spiritual practice and maintenance is somewhere at the bottom of our priorates. My relationship with my husband lasted until August of 2008 and then we went our separate ways. His decision, not mine, but I will forever be grateful for his decision.


It was not until 2012 when I bought the home I live in now that I began to dust off my books, courses, tarot cards, the course I had written when I had my spiritual business up and running for a time, during my marriage. I dusted off all of my certificates and there were many Reiki Master, Essential Oils, Spiritual Restructuring just to mention a few. I reread my books, MAP, Reiki, and so many more. It was time to change ME from the inside out. I knew my weight was tied directly into my emotions and how I felt about myself.


I came to realize that I did not like myself, nor did I love myself, When did this happen? Had I been this way since childhood? Is that why I always attracted drama and the wrong people into my life. I would like to say that stepping back into spirituality, and creating new habits of meditation and card pulling every morning became an unbreakable routine. However we still have to live our lives, go to work, and deal with the world.


My job was physically demanding, the environment was toxic not just for my body but also for my mind, and spirit. Shingles, injuries, physio therapy, two strokes, fibromyalgia, not to mention the emotional abuse that was thrown at you on a daily basis. Six nerve blocking shots a year to just be able to get out of bed in the mornings.



Through all of this I did my best to keep up my spiritual practice. God and my Spiritual team, stayed with me. The first stroke I was home alone for 3 month. Not one single phone call from work, friends, or family. This was spirit showing me that I had lost all contact with my family. I worked, slept, did yard work on my days off, read my books etc. but I had become a hermit in my own home.


I started working on changing that. I journaled, looked at my own behaviors, looked at my fears and insecurities. I had lost my ability to trust myself to attract good people in to my life. So I started working with my MAP teams, I took responsibility for my past actions and apologized to my children and family. I reached out and slowly we started to heal.


I started working on my ego with Eckhart Tolle's book a New Earth. I stopped taking things personally. When someone was abusive towards me, I knew it was my pain body triggering their pain body and I needed to heal that part of myself. I became self aware in ways I did not know was possible. I still made a lot of mistakes but that is okay because we learn from mistakes. We would not grow and change if we did not make them.



I started making friends at work, I became a more compassionate and caring person. I listened to what people said and I would give them answers, or ask questions that would get them thinking in a different direction. I became the bus driver that people always smiled at when I drove up to their house, and chatted with about their life problems. I picked up people from their homes and took them to their jobs, special programs, and medical appointments. Door to Door service. This included wheelchairs and that is how most of my injures occurred. Pushing those chairs up a ramp.


I managed to meet and make a few friends in the small town I lived in. Some stayed some drifted away. During all of this I was still learning how to love and respect myself. It took a few years to learn how not to feed the ego. Loving my body has been my biggest struggle because I had created subconscious patterns of emotional self abuse. We need to read the books that will bring us the knowledge of all of this and how to start changing the programs. So I took the courses that would teach me how to change the subconscious patterns and belief systems we have stored in our cellular memory, this also includes Ancestral DNA patterns, genetic patterns of belief and so much more.


My point being is that our Soul, God/Source, and our Spiritual Family give us what we need when we need it. We have to learn to crawl, stand, and then walk, we learn how to listen, understand, and comprehend. We have to be willing to go within and make the changes one step at a time, one issue at a time, and seek help from others because we can not do any of this alone. We need to find a support system. That can be with the other people taking the courses with you, it can be a friend, coach, mentor or mental health professional.


It starts with us asking Mother Father God, to change our lives and then listening for the answer. For me it was in books, shows, courses, people coming into my life teaching me what my triggers were so I could change them. I had to take 100% responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, words, and actions.


We peel the onion slowly and methodically and I started with one HUGE ONION. We all have that onion of negativity attached to us. We are not just affected by what happens in this life but also from past lives. I am always learning, I am always healing, I am always discovering new ways to love myself.



Physical illness, dis-ease, health issues, mental health issues, are always a part of this healing process because we store all of our negative karma, and negative emotions in our body.


I asked GOD to heal my mind, and body, and help me become a heart centered human being. I was brought to the realization that since 2020 I had let my emotions be dragged down into the anger and frustration we have all been feeling. I was not very good at protecting my mind, body, and heart from world events. All of the work I had put into become a more mindful person had slowly fallen back into the monkey mind.


So this is what God has done for me. in Mid July a stomach hernia I had ignored popped out and caused me sever pain, my fibromyalgia flared up, I got food poisonings, and then to top it all off I was diagnosed with jaundice. All within two months.


My body went into a cleanse, immediately after the hernia popped out. It only wanted water, and fruit smoothie (no dairy). All I did on my days off work was sleep, I had no energy. I started a celery juice cleanse, but any solid food I tried to put in my system was rejected. I eventfully ended up in emergency and that was when they found the jaundice.


I had my endoscopic retrograde surgery to try to figure out why I had jaundice. You will be surprised by the results. My surgeon came to see when I was awake. He was surprised all of my organs are healthy, I did not have any blockages, but what he did find was a mass of tissue that was causing the toxicity. They did three biopsies on it and when they get the results he will call me with a game plan around the tissue. I believe the pool of toxins were released during this procedure because I am feeling much better.



I need to rest and build my physical strength back up. Not having solid food for two months takes a toll of your physical body and energy. I am to add protein drinks and eat small meals. I am keeping it vegan for now. I am still exhausted easily. I have to monitor how much I do through the day. I still need two surgeries one to get rid of the tissue mass and one to repair my stomach hernia.


I go back to work half days on the 19th to build back my stamina. During all of this I have mostly stayed in a state of self love, and complete trust that everything would work out for the best. Yes, I did go into monkey mind around finances because I have no work benefits. But sanity returned and I realized I was going to be okay. Some family drama came up around all of this but it needed to. I needed to understand and see the triggers that are still left in my family dynamic. These things I will work on healing.



There is no quick fix. There is no magic formula. You just start with the most pressing issue in your life and get the help you need. Be that counseling, courses, reading books, or healing session, but most importantly you need to connect to your heart through meditation. Reach out to Mother Father GOD, and your spiritual family, the Angels, ascended healers and teachers. Ask and you shall receive. You have to ask for what you need and then you listen and follow the signs. It can be a desire to purchase a certain book. Go visit someone, take a course, stepping our of your comfort zone and trying something new. Daily prayer and meditation is the first key to that first door that will open for you.


Meditation is not finding nothingness. It is finding your inner guidance. You ask for help and then sit quietly. I started with guided chakra meditations, I listen to healing music on You Tube and allow the music to quiet my mind.


You need to learn how to trust your intuition and about the importance of self love.

I have a course on line, the one I created for myself to help me trust myself and give me answers to questions. It is called "Pathways to the Soul".


It is about asking GOD for help, and then allowing yourself to be lead to your first step. There is no end to this journey. You are walking your Soul path one step at a time. My deepest wish is that when it is my time to return to Source, I will have accomplished My Personal Soul Path.


Sending you hugs and blessing from the heart.

Sincerely, Robynn "The Self Love Emissary".

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