Life after narcissistic manipulation
Breaking the silence
Affirmations for clearing narcissistic men from your life
Wow! the summer has flown by and I can not wrap my head around the fact that it is moving into fall. Even if I love fall and the amazing colors nature shows us.
I want to talk to you today about naivete.
I am sixty years old and I have to say that it shocks me when I realize I still have a pretty protected view of the world.
I get that in some places it is horrible and that I am so lucky to live in Canada.
What I mean is on a personal level and a relationship level. I want to open up to you about the one thing that I still find difficult to talk about or even admit about myself.
When I was thirty-four I was getting ready to marry my fourth husband.
I was totally head over heels in love with this man. I now realize that it was because we were codependent on a soul level due to past lifetimes together. That took a long time to clear and release, but it is now.
I continually let this man off the hook no matter what he did or how he treated me.
I was pretty insecure back then and had such low self-esteem. I hid it well most of the time and even convinced myself I was happy, complete within myself, and could tell when someone was lying to me.
Well, this man was a master manipulator and an artist when it came to sex. I had rarely ever had an orgasm and did not really enjoy sex much. I just did it because that was what I thought was expected of me.
Well, this man took me to physical orgasms that were magical and spiritual to me.
I really believed we had the whole Tantric thing going on, on a Spiritual level.
I was later to learn that this is how he manipulated women.
He used them for their money and their personal connections as a way to move up in the world. This was a total EGO state of mind and even though he knew I was very spiritual and wanted to move into a Holistic Healing business and live on an acreage he played along.
He insisted on getting married.
I with three failed marriages under my belt was not receptive to this until he threatened to leave me.
I panicked, I had become so dependent on the sex and how it made me feel.
I was convinced that he was my Soul Mate and that I could not live without him.
It only took him a few years of us living together to get me to the point where I believed everything he told me about his feelings for me.
I even insisted we take a pre-marriage course to make sure we were ready for this type of commitment. I Guess what he knew me so well that he answered his questions based on my needs in our relationships and my goals. He fooled me and the Instructor of the course.
A few weeks before our wedding he decided he did not want to have sex anymore until the honeymoon. My radar went up and I asked why and also asked if we needed to cancel the wedding. He swore that it was just something he wanted to do to make the honeymoon better.
Long story short six weeks after the wedding we still had not had sex.
I confronted him and asked if he wanted an annulment. He said no. He was obviously unhappy and depressed and complaining to his family about how unhappy he was.
So I gave him an ultimatum we either started having sex again or I was moving into the spare room getting an annulment and moving on with my life.
We had sex but it was never the same, and it was infrequent to the point of a year going by with no sex.
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A year or so after our marriage I started getting rashes on my genitals, I thought it was an allergic reaction to the pads I was using. So I kept changing brands. It happened so infrequently that I never remembered to talk to my doctor about it.
Twelve years after our first meeting my husband had a crazy temper tantrum, screamed, and yelled at me in public, I was actually afraid that he was going to be physically violent. I was grateful I was in the car and he was standing outside. (2008)
He broke up our marriage, packed my car, and sent me on my way. I moved to the same city that my Daughters were in. They were married and having babies. I wanted to be a grandmother.
My ex would not give me a divorce and would come down sometimes to visit me and then he would disappear again for a long time. I tried dating but found that I was still attracting the same type of guy.
I took a divorce care course and found out that other women had had similar experiences. Their husbands had done the same thing.
Wonderful lovers and attentive and spoiled us until we got married. Then all intimacy was stopped.
We were all hurt and confused and now totally distrustful of men.
My ex started coming around again in 2011, he wanted to have sex with benefits relationship.
I had found no one else in the meantime and thought why not.
It was going okay, I was getting reasonably satisfying sex again, and he was spending his money and not mine. I bought a house in December of 2011, and in the summer of 2012, he helped me do a lot of yard work and stuff in the house as it was an older home.
In 2012 I started having the rashes again and was talking to a nurse and she said the word HERPES. I freaked out was in total denial but then I went to a walk-in clinic that confirmed the diagnoses. I was humiliated, heartbroken, ashamed, and was going to have to tell a guy I had dated for a while and ask if I had given him the virus.
When he and I had that conversation he told me did not have herpes but he did have genital warts.
WTF! now I had to worry about this too.
My ex had not been around for a while but when he chooses to come back into the picture. I had the herpes conversation with him his response was: "To my knowledge, I do not have this virus"
I explained that I was pretty sure that was not possible and you know what once again I let him off the hook by stating that I might have had the virus dormant in my system, or he did and that some people have the virus pass it on to others and may never have a breakout themselves.
We continued to have unprotected sex so I knew he knew he had the virus. I asked him about his last few girlfriends and why they did not work out for him. He told me some bullshit story but I bet you that it was because he gave these women herpes too and gave them the same answer he gave me: To my knowledge, I do not have this virus.
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He stuck around a lot for the next two years and then one day he called and said he had found a woman he really liked and he wanted to make it work.
I questioned him about herpes and he admitted that he had met her on a dating site that caters to people with sexually transmitted diseases. Or so he said, was it the truth?
He finally decided he wanted a divorce and stopped paying the money we had agreed upon in 2011, due to his guilt over the herpes virus I am sure.
Now that he had finally in so many words admitted to giving me the virus he decided to stop the payments. I also found out from my lawyer that I had two years in which to charge him for infecting me without my knowledge, after confronting him. It was pretty humiliating to realize he only spent those two-plus years with me to prevent me from taking legal action against him.
Let's just say it got a little nasty and I made him wait two more years before I gave him his divorce.
The thing that kills me is that he knew before we married that he had this virus. He cheated on me, got infected, and did not have the balls to tell me nor even admit it verbally in so many words until 2014 when he wanted to be with this woman he had met on a dating site.
So here is my emotional trauma that prevents me from having a relationship with a man. I still feel humiliated, embarrassed, and mostly unclean when it comes to having sex.
I have now said all of this out loud, it breaks my heart all over again to know that this man never loved me, because no one could do that to another person if they had an ounce of respect for themselves or the person they were supposedly in love with.
This is the trauma I will be working on next for myself. I will use my skills and talents and go into the Akashic records and find a way to forgive myself for my naivete and accept this part of myself. Will I ever be brave enough to trust another man?
Who knows maybe GOD has a way of healing my heart to the point where I will feel clean and able to have a sexual relationship with another person. Protected sex of course.
I have to say though that masturbation is pretty awesome and using my imagination gives me some really mind-blowing orgasms.
We are all on a journey of self-healing and I would be honored to help you with yours.
Sending you Light & Love
Robynn Spirit Whisperer