I am not sure if I feel as old as sixty three sounds. My life has been interesting and that is an understatement. Married at 16 divorced at 17, married at 18 divorced at 21, married at 28 divorced at 33, married at 34 divorced at 57 (7 year separation), not to mention all of the short term relationships in-between.
In 2014. I realized that the only way I was going to discover who I was and what made me happy was to stay single. NO dating period! It was the best choice I have ever made. I know that may make some of you uncomfortable but it truly was a gift that just keeps on giving.
As an empath I took on other peoples emotions. I never knew what I was feeling unless I was alone in my home with no outside influences. I could easily be swayed in a crowd of people to feel feeling that were not truly my own. I would wonder why I made so many miss-steps in my life. Why when I was sure I wanted one thing I could easily be swayed in another direction?
Why I could be happy one moment and then a switch would flip and I could be angry, sad, irritated, or crying for no reason? There was no books addressing these issues when I was growing up. I love to read so I am sure I would have found one eventually.
The truth is I did not understand empathic tendencies until I was in my late fifties and it was the new buzz word on social media. It was a relief to learn about my ability to take on other peoples emotions and the reason why it was so easy for me. In the meantime Spirit did teach me how to protect my energies for the most part, I just did not understand why it was so important. It was like receiving a "Get Out of Jail" card.
Okay, so lets dive into my reasons for staying single. When we look at our life we are taught that we must go with the flow, please our boss, spouses, parents, teachers, etc. if we want to have a productive life. Happiness and freedom come after we retire. When doing all of that pleasing, we forget about ourselves. We do not ask enough questions around our likes and dislikes, our interests, our skills, talents, and preferences. We forget that as we grow older we also change. Maybe we liked the color blue as a child but as an adult we discover that orange is a pretty cool color and wearing orange makes you feel pretty.
I did a whole wardrobe change in my fifties. It was all blue and blacks for twenty years. Now I have a multitude of different colors in my closet.
My taste in music has been varied but I find country the most polite and the lyrics in rap disgusting. Do people even listen to the words and do they realize that they are lowering their vibration to almost non-existence when they listen to negative words continuously?
We wonder why the morals of the world are pretty much "anything goes." I am all for the freedom of speech, but what is the point of degrading a person in a song???? This is where free will comes in. Do you listen to be cool or to pretend you are cool? Do you really believe in the lyrics of the song and that it is okay to do and say those things to another human being? Just saying that if someone came up to you and said those things to your face and then proceeded to do some of the things in those songs to you against your will would you still think it was cool???
There comes a time when you just know that the world no longer speaks for you. That being present in your own mind and heart is the greatest gift you can give yourself. That choosing what makes you happy first is what Sovereignty means. I know that there are some pretty evil individuals out there but lets not bring them into this conversation.
Lets come from the idea that we all have a strong and healthy moral code. That we respect the rights of others and we treat others with love, respect, kindness, while talking to people as if they are our best friend.
So, I started treating myself as my best friend. I decided to discover what made me happy. What shows did I really like to watch, what did I want to eat? Dessert first please and not feel guilty about it. What type of schedule did I want to keep when it came to meals and sleep? Did I enjoy going out or did I think I needed to go and be social?
Work was something I did to survive. Was there a job I loved that I would be willing to do long term? Survival was all I knew! That was a horrible realization for me. My whole life was about surviving. The bad relationships because I did not know how to live alone or respect who I was. I did not know how to ask for what I wanted. I did not even know how to ask myself what I wanted because no one had ever bothered to ask me that question.
Discovering all of these things has taken time. I like being alone. I am not lonely most of the time and if I am feeling like I want company then I pick up the phone and call a friend and chat until the loneliness abates. I will invite myself to my daughters homes or ask them to meet me for lunch. I have learned to ask for what I need.
For my birthday I wanted to go on an overnight trip with my daughters so that we could just get to know one another in a different environment.
The truth is that I have been wishing that I had some women friends my own age that I could just hang out with on a weekend away from home. I have friends who live in different cities and countries but no one close enough to travel with.
My daughters were not keen on the idea so other plans were made and honestly it turned out to be a fun enjoyable day. I went to brunch with my younger daughter and her two teenager's and had a wonderful meal with great hugs and conversation. I then did some shopping on my own as I was meeting everyone for a movie at 4 pm.
My daughters, one son in law and three out of my four grandchildren all met me for a fun filled movie experience. Then it was off to supper with my eldest daughter and her family. I received thoughtful gifts and a homemade birthday card. It was just a wonderful day. I was filled with gratitude and felt so loved the whole day.
Why was this such a special day for me? It was one that reflected what I enjoy doing. The gifts were what I had expressed I was looking for during previous conversations. I did not expect them and that made it even more special. My grandchildren put thought into the birthday card and the conversations we had were ones where we truly listened to each other.
When we learn to discover who we are and what we truly like to do and be, then we reflect that in our interactions with others. We learn to trust that we are being listened too because we have learned to listen and respond to what others are saying and asking for.
I will be sixty three on April 20th and I realize that my self discover is in its infancy. Everyday I discover something new about myself. Today on my walk I was talking to God and I started crying and releasing so much fear for my family pertaining to our corrupt governments and the evil that has been released upon this earth.
I was holding it so close to my heart that it was hidden from my conscious mind. I was feeling sad today and on my walk I asked my Soul why the sadness? My Soul let me feel and comprehend the fear, the tears flowed, and I had the opportunity to let it go. God asked me to release the fear and responsibility for the safe keeping of myself and my family to him/her. (I believe God is both male and female as that is what makes the most logical sense to me.)
I know that the decisions we make for our selves is based on freewill. To truly be free we must be allowed to choose what is in our highest and greatest good. What I choose is not what another person would choose. My path is mine alone and I may share my path at times with others but there is always a "Y" in the road where we each go our sperate ways. Sometimes we never cross paths again and at other times we meet up on occasion.
Family is about accepting each other no matter what our differences are. It is about respecting them enough to allow them to walk their path, and discover who they are in there own time. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring me. I just know that I am always where I need to be. Today is the 1st day of the rest of my life, tomorrow will be the 1st day of the rest of my life. No plans, no expectations, just allowing my Soul to guide me moment by moment. I trust that when I ask, I will always receive the knowledge and guidance I need.
Sending all of you a five minute hug,
Sincerely, Robynn Sheridan