I have been through so much in my sixty-one years here on earth. I had a childhood that was most likely perfect for my soul. I really will not know until I pass over to the other side and have all my Soul memories awakened once again.
I chose to incarnate to learn some valuable lessons about human experience. What it means to love, what it means to hate, what sadness feels like, what happiness feels like.
The trauma, the fear, the anxiety of just trying to survive with the limited skills and knowledge that I learn each and every day. I chose my parents and my siblings, I chose this path with all its highs and lows, scraped knees, and broken hearts. I chose to struggle with my own insecurities, my inability to love and be loved back. I chose a life where every time I fell down the only person who was there to pick me back up was myself.
Growing up not knowing what love was, how a hug could take away the pain, not experiencing positive feedback but always being aware of the fact that somehow I was not important. My feelings did not matter. I was given a rule book and I was to follow that rule book because: "I said SO!"
How many of you had similar childhoods?
It took me a long time to learn how to express my opinion without just blurting it out, using the wrong words, or hurting other people's feelings. I did not have the communication skills I should have learned in my childhood because I spent it alone in my bedroom. My regular playmate, until I was in grade three, was my little brother. We just hung out together outside and played with our toys.
I had the occasional sleepover but it always ended up with me upsetting the person with my inability to communicate my feelings gracefully. We did not have conversations at the table during our meals. We did not have conversations with our parents or even each other unless we were playing a board game, or acting out our Batman, Robin & Cat Woman adventures on Saturday mornings.
It amazes me when I see how interactive my daughters are with their friends, co-workers, and most importantly with their children and spouse.
I love that the patterns of non-communication ended with me and did not get dragged into the next generation. I love that I have learned to express myself with grace, kindness, compassion, and clarity. I love that I have learned to say "NO" and stand by it. I love that I have learned how to love myself completely and really admire who I have become.
My Soul chose a very dark and twisted path so that it could learn the importance of Self Love. Somewhere in my past lives, my soul believed itself incapable of giving or receiving love. It believed it so strongly that in each incarnation the cellular memory in that body continued to create a life that was devoid of love.
So my Soul knew that if it was ever going to change the patterns from past lives and create a life filled with joy and happiness it was going to have to hit rock bottom so many times that the only place left to go was up, and up, and up.
It was during the failure of my fourth marriage, that I pulled out my journals. I had years of them going back to when I was dating in my 20's. As I re-read them I recognized a pattern emerging. In all of the descriptions of each man I dated or married they all had similar personality traits.
They all treated me like a princess when we first started dating, gifts, flowers, tons of praise, they were all the White Knight on the White Horse here to rescue me and make me the happiest woman in the world.
Then slowly they started pulling away, they did not show up for dates, the sex stopped, they did not call or return phone calls. Pretty soon the ones I did not marry disappeared never to be seen or heard from again.
I was always heartbroken, confused, and since there was never any communication about what they liked or did not like in our relationships, I had no idea how not to repeat the same mistakes or patterns in the next relationship.
As I sat in my new home, the one I bought all on my own, I felt a sense of relief. I realized I could fix this with the right tools. I realized that the common denominator was me. My insecurities my inability to have a healthy relationship, my inability to pick the right people to have relationships with, my inability to ask the right questions. I did not even know how to argue for myself and for my needs in a relationship. Be that with family members, romantic relationships, or friendships.
I finally understood why nothing I strive for had ended up with me being successful. I did not know how to be my own champion. I needed to be my own White Knight on a White Horse.
The ability to finally see and comprehend what my life had been like for the past 50 years allowed me to start the inner work of changing my personality. It was not me at the Soul level that was broken. I was a creation of my circumstances. I had never been allowed to figure out who I was, what my skill and talents were, what made me happy, what made me sad.
I had never been asked those questions, not in my childhood, not in my teenage years, not in school, not in my relationships. No one had ever said: "Robynn, what would you like to do with your life? Who would you like to be when you grow up?"
What makes you happy? What makes you sad? If you could be and do anything at all what would that look like?"
So I started asking myself these questions:
Who was I? What did I like? Do I have any hobbies? Do I want a hobby? What type of relationship do I want to have with my daughters? What type of relationship do I want to have with my parents and siblings? Do I even want to have a relationship with them? What benefit could these people have in my life? Do I need a best friend? I have never had one so is it really important at this stage in my life?
So I started living my questions one day at a time. I learned to say no, I learned to ask for what I wanted. I learned how to stand up for myself and have conversations around that. I learned to truly trust my inner guidance and instincts. It has been a slow steady pace, just like the turtle who wins the race because the rabbit got cocky.
Here is my wish list: A healthy romantic relationship where we want each other to be happy and self-fulfilled. Where we can talk about anything and have the other person truly listen to what we are saying. Where we respect each other need to be alone, to have a hobby, to be able to spend time with friends without the other one needing to be present.
To respect each other's career and be supportive of the growth of personal knowledge and wisdom.
A great sex life, lots of laughter, cooking together, cleaning the house together, yard work together. Because when you spend quality time with each other you really get to know each other's strengths and weaknesses so that we each get to help the other by doing the chore the other one is no good at. He needs to be a good cook, I love washing dishes.
I want a relationship with my daughters, sons-in-law, and grandchildren where when Grandma comes over it is looked forward too and not an obligation, or just another day. Grandma is fun to be with and she is always willing to try a new board game, go for a walk, bike ride, or go swimming.
I want friends who have similar interests. Who wants to talk about the spiritual world, Souls, Angels, Spirit Guides, who love to share their experiences, life lessons, and how they solved a similar situation.
I want girlfriends who want to share new adventurers, go to Mt Shasta, or Sedona, Arizona, or a cruise around the world. Who wants to sit in the back yard and laugh about life over a glass of wine, or support each other when life changes unexpectedly.
I want to build my business to the point where all individuals who are looking to get in touch with their Soul, learn how to connect to their spiritual guides, and the Angels, and have the ability to discover who they are at a Soul level.
I still read daily posts in my FB groups where the questions are filled with sadness, pain, fear, frustration, and I think about how that was where I was not so long ago. I answer some of the posts by giving them encouragement and suggestions on how to connect to their higher self. I offer my free meditation to those who are looking for a deeper connection with their body and higher self.
I so wish I could promote my on-line course, but many of these Facebook groups frown on us promoting our business as they just want us to share in conversation, experience, ideas and give the person positive encouragement.
So my wish list is about: healing myself, my family, attracting new relationships, building my business so that I can help as many individuals that Spirit sends my way.
Knowing that I have healed all the past traumas, cleaned up the karma while living my best life, that my Soul intended for me.
Sending all of you a three-minute hug, and an 'aha' moment that has you seeking the path that will bring joy into your life, Robynn - Spirit Whisperer of higher consciousness, helping people connect to their heart, mind, body, and Soul.